New Seasons

Entering the new
Reflecting on the old
Speaking truth
Dancing through strands of time painted gold
Wondering how things move on their own
And others bring points of belaboring and moan
But here in this place
I find a new grace
The same one I so easily pass face to face
I give to myself the forgiveness and space

To live in the moment before its presence’s erased.

Truly one of those vulnerable moments doing a “free write” here. I know there is minimal traffic to this site, but anyone who pops by could see that little bit of vulnerability. I would call letting something like that teeny “poem” sit here a symbol of the move I’m pushing myself towards. It’s a move towards allowing myself to just "be." I do a lot of pushing, not to others, but myself. I used to require myself to put my best foot forward at all times, to make it known that "I am okay, I've got this." And to be the best I can possibly be at everything I put my mind on. This mindset I describe is a different kind of hustle. This hustle is not about money or clot, it’s about a legacy. I find myself working towards leaving this legacy of hard work, determination, standing up for what I believe in, standing out in the academy, keeping all my professional timelines intact, etc.

Now, whenever someone gives that exclamation, “Hey! How are you?” I will say I have gotten a little better at allowing myself to speak out loud, “Nah, it’s been a rough week” or “Eh, I could be better.” If you’re still reading this, you either can relate or you are curious (lol hi, friends). My message to you--in this first blog post I’ve written in over a year--is to trust that you are more than capable than you realize of succeeding in the things you’ve set your mind on while still allowing space for vulnerability.

I, personally, am very good at 1) being hard on myself and 2) not letting anyone know I am being hard on myself.

In that need to leave make a mark on the world, there’s this aversion towards rest. I may be on vacation, but I am thinking about the next writing project or the next vendor meeting (hello, wedding planning). That need, that constant yearning to be productive and the best, can lead down a spiraling road. It can make the scales quickly teeter out of balance. If you trust that you are capable, if you’re already doing the work, and your mind or body or heart need a break, need to breathe, the best thing you can do is give them that space.

You see, passion is a beautiful, beautiful thing, however, it needs to be met with discipline, balance, and importantly, inspiration. It’s hard to keep that passion fire burning when uninspired, and it’s hard to stay fervently inspired without rest. And without balance, there is no rest.

I have a feeling I will always be the woman working towards leaving a legacy (as a woman, a Christian woman, a professorial Christian woman, a black professorial Christian woman, a black professiorial Christian woman worship leader), but these new seasons require a shift in the order of priorities (as well as seasonal gaining [#wife] and stripping away of certain labels). I learned the importance of this shift in college and grad school when dealing with family and relationships. I learned as I gained roles like Assistant Director, Researcher, Liason dealing with school/work-life balance. I learned, even more, the further I fell in love with my fiance Josh, working towards a healthy love/career balance. These new seasons, they can be scary, they can be beautiful. What’s important is to let that grace you (and I) give so freely to others to learn what works, to change what doesn’t, to address the hard stuff (and not sweep it under the rug), to love very hard, and communicate deeply…we have to give that grace to ourselves. It’s the same grace that says, I’m a person who isn’t perfect but no one is and I am okay with being okay.

What would happen if I (you too) said today “I am grateful for the work I have done, I am grateful for the things to come, and at this moment what I am is enough”?

You’re Going to Be Okay…

I woke up this morning to the first day of the online semester. We only have six weeks left. I found myself immediately overwhelmed as I stared at my constantly dinging phone, both school and work emails blowing up as more and more people pressed reply-all. I found myself staring at my laptop as I took in what I needed to grade, what needed to be recorded for my two freshmen English classes, what needed to be transcribed as I worked from home for an on-campus library, what needed to be studied for my French class, and what needed to be read for my comps exams. I found myself with a headache within half an hour of being awake. I had to close my laptop and take a deep breath.

The immediate thought that came to mind: You’re not the only one who is feeling this weight.

I opened up a notepad and started making lists, see, lists help me keep my sanity. Then slowly, but surely, I started wading through what needed to be done today. To you, the person reading this I just want to say:

You’re going to be okay.

Maybe you’re a business owner and the numbers aren’t adding up right now.

Maybe you’re a mom homeschooling very different kids on very different grade levels.

Maybe you’re a bride and you have had to postpone your wedding.

Maybe you’re a student and you’re suddenly enrolled in 16 credits of online classes.

Maybe you’re a teacher and you’re suddenly teaching 16 credits of online classes.

Maybe you’re just scared because it all seems like it’s going to get worse before it gets better.

What I want you to know is it is going to be okay; you are going to make it through this.

Right now, it is so easy to either one, act totally nonchalant and push through and stay strong for those around you or two, completely succumb to circumstance.

Whichever side you’ve chosen (or any spot in between), know that it is okay to feel those emotions, but don’t let yourself stay in that spot. I am one hundred percent the type to make sure the people around me are doing okay before I pause and check-in with myself. In this time of quarantine, now more than ever is the time to do a self-check-in.

• What am I feeling?

• Why?

• Are the causes of these feelings out of my control?

• What IS in my control?

Once you process those thoughts, just give yourself some time to feel. Give yourself grace. Grace is the greatest thing you can give yourself right now. I cannot stress enough how not alone you are in what you are being forced to process at this very moment. There are so many unknowns, so many thoughts of “but what will tomorrow bring?” You are not alone.

You are allowed to hurt right now, to cry, to dance, to sing, to laugh, to pause, to dive into work, to go for a jog, to make yourself some tea, to learn how to bake, to fail at starting up a Zoom lecture session, to succeed at making your friend who is self-quarantining alone feel a little less lonely, to breathe.

Your life is so much more than this season of uncertainty. It is so much more than this moment of not understanding, of moving pieces that are out of your control. Focus, bit by bit, on those things that are in your control. Take a nap, make a checklist, give yourself time to check things off. Give yourself the grace to check absolutely zero things off of that list today. This is new territory for us all, you are not too much, you are not dramatic, you are not over-emotional, or over-cautious. We’re going to get through this together.